By: Rey Mysterio
*Important context and definitions for this article:
Face: In professional wrestling, a face (babyface) is a heroic or a “good guy” wrestler, booked (scripted) by the promotion with the aim of being cheered by fans.[1] Traditionally, they wrestle within the rules and avoid cheating (in contrast to the villains who use illegal moves and call in additional wrestlers to do their work for them) while behaving positively towards the referee and the audience.
Heel: In professional wrestling, a heel is a wrestler who portrays a villain or a “bad guy” and acts as an antagonistto the faces, who are the heroic protagonist or “good guy” characters. Not everything a heel wrestler does must be villainous: heels need only to be booed or jeered by the audience to be effective characters.
Avi: Hulk Hogan
If there’s one thing we know about Avi, it’s that he’s a Real American. He fights for the rights of every man, in Guardians. These guys have so much in common its hard to know where to start. I’m not entirely convinced Avi is not really Hulk Hogan, they wear the same clothes for godsake I have seen Avi wear that bandana! Like the Hulkster, Avi is a red-blooded American hero, if he’s not slicing up a steak and chugging a Budweiser, he’s in admin chat pushing for fairness and performing his civic duty. Avi even had his own Hollywood Hogan Heel turn during his feud against Evo, culminating in him leaving Guardians and going to the WCW. Now he’s back as one of the true Faces of the league in a stacked NFC North. Like Hogan, Avi is a great guy that everyone loves, he’s almost always on the right side of arguments and he advocates for Good. There couldn’t be a better fit for the biggest wrestling legend of all time than Avi.
Drew: Mick Foley
These guys are two of the nicest people you will ever meet. No one in the league has a bad word to say about Drew, but we’re also not sure he’s not a psychopath. Both of them seem to almost enjoy pain. Mick Foley proves this by throwing himself into a flaming table full of barbed wire from on top of a 30ft high cage, and Drew proves this by living in Indiana. Drew definitely has a mask at home and a second personalty that stuffs smelly gym socks in his opponents’ mouths and spends his spare time dwelling in boiler rooms.
Woody: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
The baddest motherfucker around and happy to let you know it. These guys only know how to do 3 things: Drink beer, fuck, and kick ass. Woody is so tough that he plays basketball with bowling balls. Woody is so tough that he can slam revolving doors. Woody is so tough that he once drowned a fish. Woody is the reason Waldo is hiding. I wouldn’t want to see Woody late at night in an alley that’s for sure but stick by his side and he’ll kick anyone’s ass that looks at you funny. Woody is the enforcer of this discord and we’re all lucky to have him watching our backs.
Aulstar: The Miz
Aulstar is defined by one thing in Guardians, complaining in scheduling channels. This is a habit so consistent that you could set your watch to it. The Miz is perhaps the whiniest wrestler to ever make a WWE roster, but also a really talented and good guy at heart. Both of these guys are undefeated in their twisted, delusional minds. The Miz segued his realty tv fame from The Real World into a spot in the WWE and fans found him cocky, arrogant, and unlikeable. But the Miz and Aulstar have serious mic skills, some of this guys complaints are hilarious, and they have both shown they can keep up with top level competition. We’ll see if Aulstar can make a face turn the way Miz did late in his career. But i’m convinced, like Miz’s turn, people would find it inauthentic and he should stick to being the villain. He’s so good at it.
Vamsi: The Great Khali
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Indian culture form Vamsi, its that Indians have an irrational love for Indian Athletes. These fucks became Sacramento Kings fans solely because of Sim Bhullar was allowed to sit on the bench for them. So its only natural that Vamsi would be The Great Khali. Aside from the obvious cultural and religious connections, Vamsi and the Great Khali share another great commonality- they’re both supposed to be heels, but they’re just way too likeable. The Great Khali was always SUPPOSED to be the bad guy (even attacking fan favorites The Undertaker and Rey Mysterio) but the fans couldn’t turn against him, he’s just too lovable. Following Vamsi’s famed SB punt, he too is just too lovable to hate, even if some people would have you believe we’re supposed to. The Punjabi Playboy sure as hell ain’t a simp though so Vamsi is going to have to make some changes to complete this comparison.
Spike: Randy Orton
Spike and Randy Orton are both company men. Spike and Randy are consumate professionals, called in often to bring in the viewers and keep the league running. They’ll take on anyone, anytime, for the good of the company. However they’re both not without their dark sides, just ask the hole in Spike’s wall or go read the fine word of Spike 1:6. Through all the controversy they’re absolute superstars. Most importantly, these guys show up when it matters, there are two ways to guarantee a Spike win: 1. If Jordan bets on him and no one else does 2. If someone in twitch chat tells him they’ll donate gifted subs. At the end of the day no one brings the fans in like Spike and he’s an absolutely essential part of the roster.
Cole: Hornswoggle
Two adorably tiny guys who can pack a punch. Both of them perhaps better known for their tag team work than their solo stuff, Cole with Madx and Hornswoggle with Finlay. However since the departure of Madx, Cole has shown he can stand alone as a member of the roster. He certainly has good mic skills down for someone without much to back it up, but you never know Cole might shock us all and win the division this year.
Biz: Carlito
Two universally beloved guys, but not goody two-shoes like John Cena. Carlito and Biz are just looking to have a good time and live life to the fullest. They embody that laid back tropical vibe. Biz is florida through and through, you wont catch this man buttoning his shirt or wearing dress shoes anytime soon. Like Carlito, Biz is hands down the quickest and wittiest guy in discord, you can see that from his highlights below. Most important, they both know the most crucial question to ask is “Do you spit? Or swallow?”.
Cain: JBL
Cain is the whiniest member of Guardians and JBL is the whiniest wrestler to ever grace the squared circle. These guys are so used to having things their way, that they can not handle when they don’t. The both constantly threaten to quit but never do, they’re just addicted to the attention it brings. I’ve even heard Cain also ran someone over with a limo. These guys are made even more hate-able because they don’t give a FUCK what you think. They have more money, more bitches, and crisper suits than you’ll ever have. The ONLY difference I can see here is that Cain is made at least somewhat likable by having an adorable dog. Whatever you want to say about Cain and JBL though, they are hall of famers. Everyone knows them and they make the league better with their presence. Hopefully their empty threats stay just that, empty.
Madden Guardians News 