By: Rey Mysterio
*Important context and definitions for this article:
Face: In professional wrestling, a face (babyface) is a heroic or a “good guy” wrestler, booked (scripted) by the promotion with the aim of being cheered by fans.[1] Traditionally, they wrestle within the rules and avoid cheating (in contrast to the villains who use illegal moves and call in additional wrestlers to do their work for them) while behaving positively towards the referee and the audience.
Heel: In professional wrestling, a heel is a wrestler who portrays a villain or a “bad guy” and acts as an antagonist to the faces, who are the heroic protagonist or “good guy” characters. Not everything a heel wrestler does must be villainous: heels need only to be booed or jeered by the audience to be effective characters.
Jordan: Rey Mysterio
Everyone’s favorite Mexican, Jordan is the masked luchador of Guardians. You can find him drinking Dos Equis before his matches, or maybe volunteering at the children’s hospital. A diverse and kind man, he is one of the ultimate Faces of the league and universally beloved. He may be short but in the words of A$AP Ferg, his dick is tall. His signature move, the 619, has been used to great effect this season propelling him to 9-2 with victories over Daunte, Petey, and his arch rival, the evil Habeas.
Papi: The Undertaker
He is eternal, he is everlasting and we’re not entirely sure he is human. As one of the oldest legends of CFM it is only right that Tsunami is the Undertaker. Somewhere between a heel and a face he’s the only guy the complainers will allow to 28 them without bitching in gen chat. Few men have entered the ring with him and been able to call themselves the victor as he sports a record as spotless as The Undertaker’s Wrestlemania record (24-2). You can kill this guy a hundred times but he’ll just keep coming back, he will probably be in the AFC championship game every year until we all turn to dust.
Bucs: John Cena
This one was almost too easy, much like Buc’s regular season games. Bucs, like John Cena, is the dictionary definition of a Face, he’s almost too good to be true. This makes them both the most loved and most hated members of their leagues. Some people don’t like how the powers that be have pushed Bucs/Cena into the mainstream, and some people think them being nice is all an act. Whatever you want to say about him, Bucs is one of the biggest stars of Guardians and an inspiration to all Squeakers. All of this to say, even if you used Buc’s glasses you couldn’t see him.
Evo: The Rock
Two of the most transcendent stars in their respective sports. They draw the biggest crowds, get written the biggest checks, and fuck the hottest girls. Both of these superstars call the shots, and they constantly remind us all that “It Doesn’t Matter What {We} Think”. Lots of crossover appeal here, and we will see if Evo too can take the silver screen by storm next year in M21 with his own youtube channel.
Petey: Trish Stratus
Ok lets do a quick check. Both Canadian? Check. Both legends of the sport? Check. Both super hot? Check. It couldn’t be anyone else but Petey to represent our only WWE Diva on the list. Petey is the hottest in the league and its only right he is represented by the most famous Diva of all time (and fellow Canadian), Trish Stratus. These two have proven you can be both hot and a real contender. Although we’re not sure if either of their positions was really “earned” or rather given to them as a result of being so god damn sexy.
Ceddy: Seamus
The most famous foreigner of Guardians is represented by the most famous foreigner of the WWE. Both of these guys have accents no one can understand, names no one can pronounce, and are from countries we know nothing about. Seamus is an absolute legend for bringing the WWE to Europe, can Ceddy do the same with CFMs?
Bulldawg: Randy “The Macho Man” Savage
In a league full of squeakers, aging lawyers, and skinny boys from Indiana, one man stands above all as the Machoest Man in town; Bulldawg. Look at these two pictures and try to tell me which one is Bulldawg and which one is Randy Savage, I dare you. These guys are both real men and they’re not afraid to show it. These are real athletes right here. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together. With Bulldawg in the league you cant help but feel that sports are back baby. Lets hope the steroids don’t kill him like they did poor Randy.
Daunte: Rick Flair
Who else could encapsulate Daunte’s level of drip better than Rick Flair? These guys are the style icons of their respective leagues. But don’t get it confused, both of these guys can cash the checks their mouths write. They drop the hammer on unsuspecting fools with frequency, and they’ll be sure to let you know they did with one of their signature “WOOOO!”s.
Killa: Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle and Killa have two things in common, a blatant disregard for the rules in pursuit of victory, and a universal hate from everyone around them. Despite being the most hated men in sports they both still manage to rise to the top and compete with the cream of the crop. Kurt Angle is best known for his finishing move, an inescapable, and torturous, ankle lock learned from his days as an olympic wrestler. We saw Killa use this same move on Vamsi en route to a 31 point victory.
Habs: Eddie Guerrero
Habs is clearly Eddie Guerrero, one of the most infamous and evilest Heels in WWE history. This is a man that subjected us to a Ladder Match at 2005’s Summer Slam to determine the custody of his nephew Dominick. His nephew, fearing a life of sadness, asked for the heroic Rey Mysterio to defeat his uncle so he wouldn’t have to live with him. Guerrero, due to some dirty tricks almost bested Mysterio and even began to ascend the ladder to grab Dominick’s custody documents. Dominick knew a life with Eddie was bound to be hell so he shook the ladder causing Guerrero to fall. Eddie then went to strike 10 year old Dominick (woah wtf Habs? Not cool.) but Rey Mysterio used his powerful and world shaking 619 move just milliseconds before the attack could happen. Mysterio then climbed the ladder, grabbing the briefcase full of custody documents, winning custody of Dominick.
Madden Guardians News 